Post by _Code on Mar 14, 2006 12:28:56 GMT -5
Just what I need on a long flight; a pilot who thinks its Showtime at the Apollo......
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
> "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
> examples that have been heard or reported:
>
> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you
> want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
> attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find
> a seat and get in it!"
>
> 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
> pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
> turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
> appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something
> we'd like to have.
>
> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
> this airplane"
>
> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
> the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice
> came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big ! fella. W HOA!"
>
> 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening
> the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
> everything has shifted."
>
> 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
> Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
> tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to
> operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
> have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
> theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
> favorite."
>
> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
> loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> compliments."
>
> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
> Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased
> to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none
> of them are on this flight!"
>
> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
> City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
> and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
> fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it
> was the asphalt."
>
> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
> really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
> said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
> with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
> airplane to the gate!"
>
> 16 Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
> you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
> ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
> first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give
> them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad
> landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
> someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
> little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
> question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
> said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
> 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
> Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
> the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
> door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
> 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
> folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
> blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
> US Airways."
>
> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
> smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light
> 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
> 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
> good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
> and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain
> came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
> scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
> accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
> my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back
> of mine."
>
> "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
> examples that have been heard or reported:
>
> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you
> want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
> attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find
> a seat and get in it!"
>
> 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
> pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
> turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
> appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something
> we'd like to have.
>
> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
> this airplane"
>
> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
> the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice
> came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big ! fella. W HOA!"
>
> 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening
> the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
> everything has shifted."
>
> 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
> Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
> tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to
> operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
> have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
> theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
> favorite."
>
> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
> loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> compliments."
>
> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
> Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased
> to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none
> of them are on this flight!"
>
> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
> City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
> and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
> fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it
> was the asphalt."
>
> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
> really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
> said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
> with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
> airplane to the gate!"
>
> 16 Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
> you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
> ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
> first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give
> them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad
> landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
> someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
> little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
> question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
> said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
> 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
> Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
> the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
> door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
> 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
> folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
> blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
> US Airways."
>
> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
> smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light
> 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
> 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
> good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
> and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain
> came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
> scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
> accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
> my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back
> of mine."
>
